My unsettled emotions turned into anger and grief today and I think I’ve pissed a few people off, most of all Jeremy who’s been really patient with me all this while. The first thing was that Jeremy and I were chatting about what was said in yesterday’s post and what I’m going through, but i kept getting distracted by another guy I was chatting with who got me riled up about the way I work and how it’s ‘supposed to be done’. Here I was trying to balance two conversations regarding two subjects equally important to me and pissing both people off.
Eventually I closed off the work-related chat and just focused on one, but I’ve had to scoot mid-discussion due to a lunch appointment which dragged on a little longer than expected. I never did get to finish it because when I next saw Jeremy a few minutes ago we only exchanged a few sentences and _he_ had to go. He didn’t sound too pleased to see me.
One of the things brought up during that earlier chat was that I’m looking for answers before they are due. I am by nature inquisitive and have a thirst for knowledge. Is it possible to know too much? As I’ve said I have a good thing going and all I’m afraid of making the wrong decisions and fucking my whole life up. I’d want to make an informed decision so that would mean analyzing the cards I’ve been dealt. Obviously I can’t have the whole deck and I don’t expect that. It’s just that I don’t understand what my cards mean or how to play them.
I’m upset because I have upsetted other people just by speaking my mind. Yes I will admit I have some flaws and take life for granted. My biggest problem I guess is that I very well know that some of my actions and decisions would hurt me yet I run into them head on, like how I expected something to happen that night I booked the hotel room, when I very well knew I shouldn’t have, and I got disappointed because of the unfavourable result. The chat with Jeremy too. I know he is genuinely trying to help me out but I became defensive and thick-headed for some reason, though I know what he’s saying about me is true. If you’re reading this, Jer, I’m truly sorry if I was an ass and I really want to work it all out again. Thanks.
Hey my friend. I just read your blog this early wed morning. We are in a rough period here. transitions and all. re-acclimating to home life and all. I was never mad at you. You have walked through alot, and you are so strong and I am so proud of the man you are becoming. talking with you and nic give me rason to live these days, since my words fall on deaf ears here at home. You are a bright shining star in my day and night. You bring me peace, and give me hope that at least someone out there is listening. the only thing I ask is that when we talk, that we try and keep it here … or with nic and the three of us. because time and life are short. so i cherish the time we have and i look forward to it. don’t be sad … nobodys mad at you, and youre not an ass. thickheaded well, maybe so.
but we learn – that’s what life is for isn’t it? to learn.
I never said it would be easy and I never said I had all the answers either. BUT if you stay in your day, rid yourself of expectations, and live in the moment, you wont need all the answers right here and now. You will be satisfied with what you NEED. For we live on a need to know basis. and we DONT need to know EVERYTHING today. that would spoil the journey, and it’s all about the journey isnt it?
Love from Montreal